Personal Reflection Essay

This reflection will discuss personal diffidence and how it has influenced my academic studies, including my practice within placement settings. Gibbs reflective cycle (Gibbs, 1998) has been utilised as it illustrates a clear structure for the process of reflection. To conclude this reflection will draw together the themes which have emerged and highlight a clear action for future learning that will be used in order to enhance my future practice. Within my previous occupation as a health care assistant I was subject to workplace bulling which was allowed to continue for an extensive period of time due to ineffective management of the situation. Vartia (2001, p. 68) suggests that one of the consequences for the targets of workplace bulling is a feeling of low self confidence. This is indeed true of myself; although this occurred prior to commencement of university, I perceive that I am diffident stemming from this experience. This diffidence has influenced my academic studies and my practice upon placement. Feelings: I feel that I find it challenging to settle down within new groups of people. Whilst on placement I feel it takes a significant amount of time to work within my fullest capacity within the team. Spouse (2008, p. 21) state that entering a new placement area can be a daunting experience; suggesting this may be because you are joining a team of strangers who already know each other. However I feel that my previous experience has heightened my apprehension and indeed Bach and Grant (2009) suggest past experience contributes to our attitudes and values and affects what we notice about other peoples behaviour and how we interpret it. Therefore I may unintentionally be vigilant for behaviour that represents past experience. I feel I become emotive when conflict arises both upon placement and within the university environment; therefore I have a tendency to avoid sources of conflict. Furthermore; although I am aware of the need to challenge poor practice witnessed and have done so within the past; it is something that I find particularly challenging and uncomfortable to deal with. I find it uncomfortable to challenge people because I perceive this as a negative source of conflict. I am somewhat afraid of the reactions this may evoke and the impact this could have on my working relationships within the team I am placed. Within my academic studies in the university learning environment specifically; this diffidence has manifested as an apprehension of speaking within groups. This is especially apparent when it is required to perform group presentations. Although my one to one communication and communication within familiar groups is of good quality, communication within unfamiliar groups can be hindered by this diffidence. I am concerned that if allowed to continue; diffidence could be detrimental to my future practice as a nurse. Hagbaghery et (2004) qualitative research findings suggest that nurses perceive competence and self confidence as the most important personal factors influencing nurses clinical decision making, therefore in order to enhance my future practice I feel that it is imperative that I overcome this. Evaluation: Upon evaluation of these feelings I perceive I have progressed and gained confidence thus far, however there is still margin for improvement. I feel that upon a recent eight week placement period whereby I moved across four placement settings; I had an abundance of practice within adapting and participating within new teams. Although I felt that transition across four settings somewhat hindered myself working to my fullest capacity; the positive aspect of this was that it facilitated gain in self confidence. Nash, Lemcke and Sacre (2008) suggest that initially when encountering a new workplace culture trying to be accepted within this new culture can be uncomforting and lead to feelings of inadequacy; however by the end of this eight week period I feel I gained a significant amount of self confidence and I felt confident with my ability to integrate into new teams effectively. Communication is the interaction with people and is at the core of nursing according to McCabe and Timmins (2006, p. 4), therefore I acknowledge that in order to work to my fullest capacity within the nursing profession it is imperative I overcome this apprehension of speaking within groups and performing presentations. I have reflected upon previous experiences within university; contrasting performing our first group presentation to a recent group presentation experience. I perceive a vast improvement however again there is still margin for improvement and gain in confidence. Brankenbridge and Blows (2008, p. 216) have highlighted that there are different ways in which you can challenge, constructive and destructive. Constructive challenges highlight alternatives and leave the person with something of which they can reflect upon, build upon and change. Destructive challenges are delivered in an unskilful fashion leaving the person who has been challenged feeling put down and bad and potentially could be a source of conflict and negative feeling. This is why in the past I have perceived challenging people in practice as a negative action, possibly due to lacking differentiation between destructive and constructive criticism. Analysis: Although I perceive myself as diffident upon analysis I am unaware of how others may perceive my self. According to Barber, McLaughlin and Wood (2009, p. 76) The Johari Window; Luft and Ingham (1955) can show us aspects of ourselves that we believe is how others perceive us, however they further suggest that these aspects may only be a small part of our ‘personality’ as a whole and not necessarily how others perceive ourselves. Which means although I perceive myself as diffident; others may not necessarily perceive my self in this manner and it is essentially necessary that I develop further self awareness. Barber, McLaughlin and Wood (2009, p. 76) perceive development of self awareness as crucial in highlighting how we view and respond to others and in turn how they view and respond to us. The National Health Service (NHS) Modernisation Agency Leadership Centre (2005) have corroborated this view by suggesting self awareness can assist with understanding ones own emotions and the impact of one’s behaviour on others. Therefore one of the many benefits of self awareness for myself may be understanding my colleagues, learning to relax, identifying my strengths and weaknesses and indentifying my own learning needs, Burnard (1997). I perceive assertiveness of which Siviter (2008, p. 116) defines as respecting the rights and feelings of others whilst standing up for yourself and your own rights as a necessary skill which will further facilitate a gain in self confidence. In order to be assertive it is necessary to possess the ability to express your feelings in a direct, open, honest and appropriate manner. Breckenbridge and Blows (2008, p. 217) further suggest that assertive communication is the key to successful relationships for patients, family, nurses and colleagues alike; therefore further development of my assertive communication skills will enhance my future practice and communication with staff, family and patients alike. Development of assertive communication skills may aid when and if the need arises in future practice to challenge colleague’s actions or the actions of people in general. Indeed Breckenridge and Blows (2008, p. 17) suggest assertiveness is a key feature within effective challenging and therefore is an essential skill of which is required to be developed. Assertiveness aids conveyance of important messages and helps individuals stand up for the rights of themselves and others; one example of such being advocacy. Advocacy is reflected within The code in full (Nursing and Midwifery Council, 2008) who state that nurses must act as an advocate for those within their care. Therefore learning to be assertive is not a choice, it is a must if I am to live up to what is expected of me within my role as a student and future nurse. Conclusion and Action Plan: The challenge for the future is that I totally overcome this diffidence. I envisage being able to achieve by developing self awareness. I could develop self awareness by using a tool such as The Johari Window. Academically the challenge is to overcome apprehension regarding communication with unfamiliar groups of colleagues. I anticipate achieving this by taking more time to consider what I am going to before I begin and being prepared for situations where I am required to speak. With regard to performing presentations I will be prepared and rehearse what I am going to say in advance.